The Prime Minister’s Top Secret Number 10 Private WhatsApp Group Chat.
Strictly confidential. Idiots Only.
© Paolo Bolzoni, 3 November 2022.

With thanks to Private Eye Magazine for the idea.
All characters were members of this Cabinet of Fools at the time of writing, 3 November 2022.

All they need are lies, da da da da da
All they need are lies, da da da da da
All they need are lies, lies,
And they’ll vote for us! 🤪

All adults have left the group.

Rishi: Our Father who AM in Heaven;
Hallowed be my name;
My lies come; thy will be done on Earth
As I do in Downing Street 10.

All: amen.

Larry: any rat around here?

Rishi: Nope, they’re all on-line.

Cruella: the plane to Rwanda can’t take off. Heavy payload in the cattle cargo.

Rishi: steady on, Creepy. Starve them for two weeks, and try again.

Akshata: brilliant, luv.

Jeremy Hunt: we can pay for the fuel with money we save on feeding them.

Cruella: 😂 🤪 👍

Rishi: what about scrapping the NHS? We can afford private health care, tough for the poor. 🖕

Steve Barclay: we can’t. We depend on the black commission moneys we cash to let NHS purchase fake PPE.

Rishi: good point, Steve. What shall I screw up today then?

Penny Mordaunt joins the chat: 15 minutes to your daily shitload in the Commons.

Rishi: weekly shitload, Penny Exit.

Penny has left the group.

Teresa Cigar: what about the COP 27 conference?

Rishi: cancel that crap. Wanna lose our oil&gas sponsors’ money?

Teresa Cigar: 😱😱😱

Rishi: wait, I changed my mind. I’ll go, we can’t let Charlie tell his crap about saving the environment.

Teresa Cigar: want me to book a private jet and penthouses with servants?

Rishi: Not yet. Let’s wait for instructions by oil, gas, utilities companies, and any other champions of pollution.
Anything it takes to secure continued donations to the Cons.

All: hear, hear. 👏👏👏

Dominic Raab: that Human Rights Act crap is still in place. Only good to feed bloody communist fat lawyers.

Rishi: keep it simple, mate. Let’s abolish all civil rights too.

Cruella: hear, hear.

Nadhim Zahawi: but, then no one can vote for us!

Rishi: Let’s register all citizens according to political preferences. All Conservatives and right-wing extremists will receive the election certificate.

Larry: that’s my mate!

Liz-ard joins the chat: morning all.

Rishi: what the f..k are you doing here?

Larry: hisses, and looks around possessed by uncontrollable rage.

Liz-ard has left the group.

Kemi Badenoch: export trade is sinking. We can’t sell that British made stuff.

Rishi: bribe your counter-fools, Del Girl. We can use your under-the-table commission for our next illegal party. 😂

Grant Shapps: we can fake all certificates of conformity with international safety regulations.
Even use imperial units on all packages. The fools out there will believe that two pounds are one kilo-grammes, and one pint is half a litre.

Jeremy Hunt: that’ll make our stuff cheaper to make, and we’ll pocket the extra profit!

Rishi: brilliant. This time, next year, you’ll all be millionaires.
I already am. 🤪

Crispin the Cobbler joins the chat: anything mighty illegal going on in here?

Rishi: who let you join, Creepy Mog?

Crispin the Cobbler: Boris the clown, when he set-up the private chat group.

Rishi: get lost, undertaker, we are planning serious screwing up here.

Crispin has left the group.

Gillian Keegan joins the chat: the leftist press warn that schools are facing bankruptcy.

Dominic Raab: bloody communists. 🤬.

Rishi: this must stop, we can’t go on wasting our money to let the youth learn to think.
From now on, no more subsidies to schools and Universities, except for the elite public schools, where admission requires membership of the Conservatives and an annual income of not less than 1,000,000 quids.

Michael Gove: talking about wasting money, there are hundreds of Council houses and buildings in deplorable conditions.
I suggest demolishing the whole lot to level down with the streets.

Rishi: cushty, demolition man. 😂.
While you’re at it, issue illegal licences to reconvert the area, and to build luxury mansions for oligarchs.

Mark Harper joins the chat: rail workers are again on strike. Bus drivers followed suite. Airport baggage slaves, er, handlers will be next!

Rishi: close all railways lines, all strikes over, Britons on foot.

Teresa Cigar: we can force a new environment legislation. Ban all busses not driving on Russian lemonade.

Jeremy Hunt: brilliant, slim Panatella. We can use the money saved to give away British made cars to all blind loyal Conservatives.

Rishi: and a free petrol tank card, no expiry date. 😂

All: hear, hear. 👏👏👏

Michelle Donelan joins the chat: Keir Starmer said it’s not acceptable that too many Cabinet members are so incompetent to serve the Country!

Grant Shapps: looser!

Rishi: Keir has a point. There is nobody left who can afford to pay for the energy bills.
Have I got bad news for you, you are sacked, man.

Grant Shapps: 😭

Rishi: cheer up, mate. You’ll get your undeserved exit bonus and a life benefit of 100k plus quids per year.

Grant Shapps has left the group in ecstasy.

Rishi: any more social crap to deal with?

Mel Strike: we must abolish all nonsense like workers’ rights, state pension, benefits, help to disabled, etc. 🤮

Dominic Raab: just going to draft the new law, Mel.

Cruella: 😘

Dominic Raab has left the chat.

Ben Wallace: Rishi, we are facing a ruthless competitor. The demand for Iranian drones is staggering!

Rishi: we can kill two birds with one stone. Sell weapons 50 billion quids worth in return for cheap oil. Jeremy, call on MBS in Saudi Arabia.

James Cleverly: my pleasure, Rishi. Liz-ard handed her indefinite visum to visit Saudi Arabia over to me.

Rishi: and, don’t be foolish, Jeremy.
Should MBS start again executing dozens of Saudi scholars, because they own books banned in the Kingdom, ignore it. Just put the kettle on and congratulate him.
It happened last time Liz-ard was there, and we made a fortune out of it.

Cruella: weapons of mass destruction, Jamie! ☠️

Jeremy Hunt: I’m a bit worried, Rishi. The economy is not sinking fast enough, the pound in not yet scrap paper.
At this pace, we’ll never win the Guinness World Record for inflation. 😡

Rishi: right then, let’s go to screw what is left of Britain. 🖕
Do as if you were determined to (sorry, Liz-ard 😂).

All they need are lies, da da da da da
All they need are lies, da da da da da
All they need are lies, lies,
And they’ll vote for us! 🤪