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OPEN LETTER TO A RIGHT HONOURABLE (She/Her)


LIZ, LUV,

In the unluckiest event you’ll make it to PM, I decided to help you with the easy task to form your Cabinet.
Now luv, off you go to the Queen with my list.
Be a very humble girl.
Her Majesty is a lovely lady who truly cares about her subjects.
All she desires is care, equality, justice and freedom for all.

DON’T break a leg,
Paolo

@Liberal Democrats @Scottish National Party (SNP) @The Labour Party


***  THE NEW UK CABINET ***

STATEMENT BY THE PRIME MINISTER

“Today, Britain enters a new era. New values will bless our great country.

Britons are finally freed from all social crap and of the care for the commoners.
There shall be justice for all those who deserve it.
We aim at scrapping all public services and pensions.
We shall continue to sack civil servants.
I shall not rest till Parliament become an assembly under my command. PM question time will allow only one question, of course, asked by me: “Am I Britain’s saviour?”, followed by a standing ovation.
The NHS shall no longer be funded; the wealthy can afford private care; that’s good enough for me.
All public infrastructures and public utilities will be privatised and sold for one penny to our distinguished friends (of foreign nationality).
My government shall stop investing in education, we shall not let the youth learn to think. Therefore, there shall be no more subsidies to schools and Universities, except for the elite public schools, where admission requires membership of the Conservatives and an annual income of not less than 1,000,000 quids.
We shall abolish all taxes, income, corporate and VAT. “No Campari, er, taxes, great party”.
We are determined to complete the sinking of the UK economy and to win the World Guinness Record for inflation.
We shall rebuild the Hadrian’s Wall to surround the entire UK, so to prevent the EU parasites from infecting our sacred soil.
 
May Saint Boris bless Britain”.

MEMBERS

Prime? Minister? Really!
Poor Britain…

Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster: The Rt Hon Richard Blind
He cannot oversee anything.

Lord Chancellor and Secretary of State for Justice and Deputy Prime Minister: The Rt Hon Tony White
Born with achromatopsia condition. He can only see one colour.

Chancellor of the Exchequer: The Rt Hon John Screw
He sits on bags of quids taken from the poor to give to the rich.

Secretary of State for Foreign, Commonwealth and Development Affairs: The Rt Hon William Carenot
He has an indefinite visum to visit at leisure the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia.

Secretary of State for the Home Department: The Rt Hon Pretty Expel
Also Minister for Illegal Migration and Minister for Refugees. Ruthless.

Secretary of State for Royal Affairs: The Rt Hon Onslow Lazy
Husband to Daisy Bucket, master of etiquette.

Secretary of State for Intelligence Units: The Rt Hon Michelle "of the Résistance" Dubois
Spy in disguise.

Secretary of State for Defence: The Rt Hon Alf Stokes.
Butler at the House of Meldrum. Keeps strangers out.

Secretary of State for Health and Social Care: The Rt Hon Sue Syringe
Rumours have it that she managed to see her GP in only 4 years, 7 months, 29 days after feeling ill.

Secretary of State for Levelling Up, Housing and Communities: The Rt Hon Steve Bulldozer.
Demolition Man. All homes in poor areas will be demolished to level up with the streets.

Secretary of State for Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy: none
Ministerial post scrapped. Nobody left who can afford to pay for the energy bills.

Secretary of State for International Trade and President of the Board of Trade: The Rt Hon Del Boy Trotter.
Market swindler. Must try to export unsellable British rubbish outside the EU.

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions: The Rt Hon Carol Cruelty
Will abolish all bloody communist crap like workers’ rights, state pension, benefits, help to disabled, etc.

Secretary of State for Education: The Rt Hon Boris “Bully” Trumpson
Best bully at Eton.

Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs: none
Ministerial post scrapped. No food imports from the EU. No export market for British food. Agriculture and fishery is dead.

Secretary of State for Transport: The Rt Hon Doctor Beeching
Will close all railway lines, all strikes over, Britons on foot.

Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport: none
Ministerial post scrapped. Sport is a noble activity, cannot afford to have a Cabinet Minister for boss.

Minister for Brexit Opportunities and Government Efficiency: none
Ministerial post scrapped. Mission accomplished, Britain is screwed up for good.

Secretary of State for Northern Ireland: none
Ministerial post scrapped. Ireland is now united.

Secretary of State for Scotland: none.
Ministerial post scrapped. Scotland will gain independence on 1 January 2023.

Secretary of State for Wales: The Rt Hon Sir Gareth Edwards
He has values! Scrum-half, Wales rugby legend.
OMG! Silly mistake of mine!

Minister without Portfolio, er, Brain: post shared by all Cabinet Members.
 

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